11.27.2014

The grinch of Thanksgiving

I need to get some things off my chest. 

Some things I'm not so proud of. 

Some things I've been struggling with. 

And some things I'm coming to cope with. 

The last six months have been frustrating, for reasons I can't really find words for right now. I've found myself withdrawn from things I generally love, people I love. I've found myself forcing smiles and forcing happy thoughts. But the truth is, no amount of force is going to make me really mean that smile. No amount of force is going to make me positive. 

I've been selfish. I've been trying to cover up all these messy feelings, and unfortunately, today, of all days, they came pouring out. That's the thing about these emotions; there doesn't seem to be a right way to feel them. If I let myself be jealous, be sad, be unhappy, then I feel like I'm being ungrateful for what I've been given, what I've worked for. But if I don't allow myself to feel these things, then I exhaust myself trying to NOT feel them. Do you know how hard it is to NOT feel something? 

And at the end of the day, I was still bitter. Still upset. Still jealous. Still sad. Regardless of whether or not I allowed myself to show these feelings, they were still there. 

And the truth is, I haven't really found the answer to my problem - I'm not even sure there is one. I know I need to relinquish control, I need to accept that I will end up with exactly what I'm meant to. I believe deep down there is a plan for everyone, and whether or not I understand the one I've been given doesn't mean it's a bad one.

I know all these things. I need to believe these things. And yet, I'm still struggling daily with the little nuances of everyday life. Of being human. Of being flawed. Of having lost. Of not receiving. 

Three months ago we parted ways with close friends, we'd "grown apart." There wasn't a day that went by up until two weeks ago that I hadn't thought about this event. What I said, what I could have said, what I should have said. And then, two weeks ago, I was sitting in my basement with my family, our best friends and their children. And everything was so easy. The kids were bouncing around each other, the men were talking about professional wrestling (I know, I know) and the women were talking about candles or something that smelled good. And it was wonderful. It was seemless. And it hit me. Things shouldn't be so hard. Friendships don't have to be so hard. People can grow and change and can fight and bicker, but at the end of the day, it shouldn't have been that hard. 

And finally, I felt a lightness. I understood why things had to happen and I feel comfortable and at peace with what happened. 

Today someone I love had amazing news. Wonderful news. Jumping-for-joy, eat-the-whole-can-of-whipped-cream, dance-with-no-music, shout-from-the-rooftop news. And while I was overwhelmed with SO much happiness for them, I found myself wallowing in pity for me. Not because they didn't deserve it. Not because I deserved it more. But because I was disappointed. So I cried. I let myself feel whatever I wanted and then I decided to be done with it. I would be happy for them. I AM happy for them. 

And just like I didn't understand three months ago what was happening, I need to just accept that in time this will all make sense too. And regardless, it will all be OK. 

And so today, after being the grinch of Thanksgiving, I'm thankful to find this peace. And I'm thankful for the people in my life who teach me these things, help me accept these things and love me just the same. 

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2 comments:

  1. There's nothing wrong with those feelings. It's just handling them in a healthy way that's crucial!

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  2. While a person soes not have the right to make everyone around them miserable, the stuffing and bottling up of feelings is self destructive. When you express yourself in a healthy way, it also lets your kiddos know it is okay to feel what they are feeling too and find productive outlets for their emotions.

    This is badly worded, but know you are not alone.

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