2.13.2014

I've got 99 problems but baby wipes ain't one

For reals though.

I've got 99 problems but baby wipes ain't one ... because they're more like 20 billion.

THIS IS MY LIFE. Remember Alanis Morissette's song, "Ironic?" You know the one that prattles on about 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife, meeting the man of your dreams and then meeting his beautiful wife? IT IS MY LIFE.

Except my song would go something like this:  It's like 10,000 baby wipes (coming out ALL AT ONE TIME in ONE little PULL), when all you need is ONE, it's like the tiniest, most microscopic turd, getting lost, when I'm trying to only pull out, one wipe.

Isn't it ironic?

And of course the times I need like a gazillion wipes, I have to hold my son in some advanced yoga pose so the giant poo-splosion going up his back, in his armpits and at the top of his shoulders won't get all up in his face, hair and ear canals, all because the damn wipes are crammed in there and being stingy and not coming out.

Look folks, I'm not asking for intuitive baby wipes here. I'm not even asking for perfection. All this momma of two wants is some conservative baby wipes. You know, ones that won't give it up like it's prom night, but will actually wait until the time is right. You know, those kind.

I realize this is a completely frivolous topic and there are TONS of bigger problems in the world (this is where that #firstworldproblems would really come in handy), but these are the things people don't tell you about life. Sometimes, it's the little nuances that make you want to pull your hair out. And right now, I've got a whole lotta nuances up in my grill.

So rather than dwelling on the numerous things that are making me hug my knees into my chest and rock in a corner, I decided to make a list of them for you right now; because someone should get some giggles out of my pain.

I've got 99 problems but, oh, shoot, wait, these ARE my 99 problems.
(and yes, I realize some of these are silly. That doesn't make them any less true)


  • The "R" key on my keyboard will NOT type. Which basically makes me look like a moon. OH, wait, not a moon, a moon. M-O--O-N. Damnit. See my point?
  • I'm trying to concentrate on all the funny little mishaps currently happening in my life right now but I can't think of them because my husband is laying in bed next to me snoring. Obscenely loud. Like, so loud, I'm contemplating pushing him out of bed. 
  • Our little family of four has been passing the same head-chest-cold around for the last three weeks. I'm over it. They're over it. Except none of us are actually OVER IT, we just really wish we were. 
  • Everyone in the house is sleeping and I'm up typing because I'm a slave to blogging. I'm not really, but I have been coming up with some good ideas here and there and I feel like I never have the time to actually do that. 
  • Something broke on my Facebook and now, I can't "stop getting notifications" from posts I comment on. This means every three seconds my phone vibrates off the table because someone else is telling someone else on my Facebook friends list how awesome they are. You know what would be more awesome? If Facebook quit changing it's shit around and let me un-notify myself. 
  • I just started contemplating whether my use of the word "slave" earlier, is disrespectful. Which then made me question if my comment 30 lines above about the baby wipes giving it up like it's prom night was inappropriate as well. Probably yes to all of the above. But it's late and my appropriate meter starts to shrink when I'm tired. 
  • I can never remember how to spell armadillo. Is it two R's? One L? 
  • I wish Braeburn was awake to snuggle. 
  • I've got like 16 bags of googly eyes (you know, the kind you use for crafts?) but they're all bigger than a dime and won't fit on Pearyn's valentines for her classroom. 
  • I accidentally typed "crag" instead of "craft" which made me think about the old Nickelodeon show, "GUTS." I'm now pretty upset I never got to appear on it and when a piece of the aggro-crag myself. 
  • I'm not a figure skater.
  • I'm not as skinny as most figure skaters.
  • I like cupcakes too much to be skinny. 
  • There's this bush, tree thing that was planted literally next to the path to our house, next to the driveway. This means anytime anyone has to park they have to do a crazy dance and get stabbed with this bush tree contraption like a gazillion times. Unless you want to go out the passenger door. And forget getting children out on that side. It's a recipe for danger. 
  • Seriously though, who the hell plants a tree bush right NEXT to their driveway where cars park?
  • Gymnastics aren't a part of the winter Olympics. They should be.
  •  I want to write a book, but I don't know what it's about. 
  • I'm not good at bowling, but I want to be.
  • I frequently bookmark things when I don't mean to. Generally I'm trying to perform the "find" function and somehow I end up bookmarking the same page 54 times. 
  • I don't have candles for the dinner table. You know, like, candles in a stick, makes things fancier, candles. 
  • I adore our new home, but I don't adore the pounds, I mean POUNDS, of junk meal we now receive. 
  • I saved the photo for this blog to the wrong folder. And I didn't rename it. So I just stared at the desktop for 39 minutes looking for said photo. 
  • I wish Skype emoticons worked everywhere. (facepalm) (giggle) (tumbleweed) (heidy)
OK ... so those aren't 99 problems, and heck, they're not even really "problems," but they are the random things that pass through in my brain. 

What's on your list?

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5 comments:

  1. Ohhhhhh my gosh. You make me laugh. I'm glad I'm not the only one flopping around drastically everytime I pull out five to many wipes!

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  2. LOL. This is my life too. Only it involves a lot of swearing at the baby wipe container and then poop all over me. Oh but Baby D has a huge smile during it all!

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  3. What is it with baby wipes? I have the same problem: too many or not enough. Of course the kiddos always think it is funny when mom is covered in poo and trying not to curse like a drunken sailor. Lets hear it for first world problems. Every one is a blessing. (Doesn't make me any less annoyed though)

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    Replies
    1. I'm tell you Kim, there's some kind of coalition against mothers! I mean, I would probably spend double on baby wipes if they actually came out one-at-a-time and didn't require spelunking when they start to get low. But you're right, little blessings <3

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  4. These are great wipes, they are very heavy and durable and able to handle lots of different messes.

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