I just can't - for the life of me - figure out how my beautiful baby boy is already one. I'm basically teetering on the edge of tears anytime I think about it. What's next, he's going to be driving a car and leaving me to have his own family?
It's so hard to think that just over a year ago I had been blessed with my sweet baby boy. How on Earth did my chunky monkey man go from this adorable, squishy-faced baby to this dashing, handsome toddler?
Maybe I should slow down.
Don't get me wrong. I was a complete basketcase during my daughter's first birthday as well (and every single one to follow), but there's something scarier about this one. What if Braeburn happens to be our last baby? What if this was the last smash cake I bake? What if?
Sure, Chubby Vegan Dad and I toss around the idea of a third. I think we'd both adore another bouncing baby blessing, but that doesn't mean it will end up in our cards. It doesn't mean it will come to fruition. Just because you WANT something doesn't mean it's the right decision.
The truth is, I want a third child more than I can explain. I picture us as a family of five, I see three children sitting at our kitchen table. But the problem is all of the things a child encompasses. Is there an endless amount of love? YES. More smiles? YES.
But there's other things that come with another child that you can't ignore.
I already feel guilty because I didn't give Braeburn a good enough first birthday party like I swore I would. When people told me having a child near Christmas was terrible for the child, I promised to make his birthdays a big deal. And this year, it was simply too hard. It wasn't that it was just Christmas, but that we JUST moved into a new house, that we just BOUGHT said house, that I had two work trips in the matter of a few months, that we weren't just celebrating his birthday, but my niece and nephew's as well.
It doesn't matter if I have all the best excuses in the world; it doesn't matter that he'll never remember it in the first place. I let myself down. And in turn, I feel like I let me son down.
We did manage to make some cake. And honestly, I think Braeburn liked having his own cake better than all the gifts. Heck, I think he enjoyed the bath he received after smashing his smash cake all over his face and head even more than the cake, the gifts or the party. He's an easy boy to please, which is why I want to spend my life making him feel as special and loved as he really is.
I don't know what the future has in store for our family. I know that my heart is big enough to love another, but I don't know what that means for the other pieces of my life: the guilt, the worries, our wallets, the stress, the feeling like I'm failing at everything. I don't know if my heart can handle that.