1. Why on Earth would I get a big hoop through my nose? I would look so pretty if I didn't have that piercing.
- Hey you, thanks for inquiring about the giant hoop through my septum and why I'd want to ugly myself up so much. Oh, I'm sorry, that's not what you meant? When you told me "I would look so pretty" you really meant that as a compliment? You meant to say that I was pretty, but that giant hoop through my nose was the ugly part? Or wait, you meant to say that I am pretty, I'd just be prettier if I didn't have my nose pierced? Or, OK, let's just stop now before you talk yourself into a corner. Oops, too late. You know what I think would make you prettier? If you'd shut your mouth about "how much prettier I, A COMPLETE STRANGER, would be" if I didn't have my septum pierced. Look, I get it peeps. I realize when I got my septum done that it would make me far less attractive to most of the population, and honestly, I'm OK with that because I'm not trying to attract most of the population. So it's not only OK if you don't like my piercing or if you think it makes me less pretty, it's actually your right to. But realize the second you open your mouth and decide it's your right to tell me, A COMPLETE STRANGER, what would make me "SO pretty," you're giving me the right to provide the same criticism to you. So instead of asking me WHY on Earth I would get a big hoop through my nose, why don't you just keep your opinions of beauty to yourself and I won't unleash my thoughts on your trashy black hair roots, muffin top, crazy perm and hot pink lipstick.
2. Why on Earth would I get a big hoop through my nose?
- This question actually isn't offensive in the slightest to me. It's a perfectly logical question. I got my septum pierced because I think it's beautiful. I think piercings are pretty and unique to every person. I like to think of my body as a Christmas tree, so why not hang some ornaments from my nose? OK, no, seriously, I really do just like the way it looks. Believe it or not. And you know what? It's OK for me to think it's beautiful and for you to think it's hideous. Just like it's OK for me to think skinny men are attractive and muscles are icky. It doesn't mean it's the truth, it just means it's my opinion.
3. Didn't it hurt to get my (insert random body part) pierced?
- No, having a giant needle shoved through my nose, face, ears didn't hurt at all. In fact, it felt like tiny kittens nestling their little heads into my palm. Um DUH, it hurt. It's a needle, getting shoved through my flesh. It certainly didn't tickle.
4. So if it hurt so much, why would you get it done?
- This is a good question, which is why I gave it legitimate thought and tried to figure out how to explain it to people who don't like tattoos and piercings. I got (insert random body part) pierced because it's something that makes me feel more beautiful, prettier. And sometimes, a few second of pain is worth feeling pretty. And before you go all "that's not true" on me, I will leave you with the following beauty rituals that "normal" women perform daily, weekly, monthly that is in no way shape or form enjoyable: shaving every inch of our flesh, wearing five-inch, peep-toe heels, SPANX, waxing our eyebrows, plucking our eyebrows, hell doing anything to our eyebrows and have you seen an eye lash curler? It's basically a torture device. So yeah. I'll take two second of pain from a needle to have a piercing for the rest of my life (or as long as I want it) because it makes me feel pretty (oh so pretty ... I feel pretty and witty and ... I'll just stop).
5. Aren't I worried about what people might think?
- I can understand how my venomous response to the first question might make you think I'm self-conscious about my piercings. But I'm not. So no. No, I'm not really worried about what people might think. Who cares what people think? I don't care if some stranger things I'd be more beautiful without my septum pierced. I do care that they feel like it's their social responsibility to school me on what would make me prettier to everyone else, however. We're human beings. We're going to judge each other on something, I figure my piercings and tattoos just beat them to the punch. Maybe they won't notice my love handles if I get a BIGGER hoop through my nose!? (Will try this and report back!)
6. So it doesn't bother you that most people think you're trashy, uneducated or trying to be "cool?"
- Isn't it funny how a few extra holes in your face can foster people to create such extreme conclusions about a person? I mean, how many other "trends" can delude people into describing me as "hipster," "trying to look younger," "trashy," "skanky," "freaky," "Goth," "unintelligent" and "cool." No. It doesn't bother me if people think I'm trashy, uneducated or trying to be "cool." I'm not doing this to be a "movement" or to prove anyone wrong, I'm doing it because I like it. Plus, it's kind of funny to see them look at me like I'm all sorts of wrong and then tell them I have a kick-ass, work-from-home job with a reputable company, two kids, a college degree in the English language, OH, and just to defy a few more "stereotypes," I teach pitching lessons to adolescent girls AND I'm being inducted into my college's INAUGURAL Athletic Hall of Fame (with just three other individuals). BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE.
7. What happens to all these things when I get older?
- To be honest, when I'm 80, I think I'm going to be a little more concerned with living and breathing than I will with the little umbrella I have tattooed on my foot. And for reals, how is this even a question you should get to ask someone? Well gee, Jimmy Bob, aren't you concerned that your already giant ears are going to be the size of dinner plates by the time your 80? Aren't you worried, Suzy Q, after 60 years of perming your hair that it might fall out when you're 80? Oh, you're not? Then I'm not going to worry about what my tattoos are going to look like when I get older. And if you really want to know what they're going to look like when I'm 80, I'll let you in on a little secret: They're going to look BADASS. Because I'm going to be a wrinkly old grandmother with badass tattoos under my sweaters and cardigans.
8. I'm just doing this for attention.
- Shut up. This isn't even a question. And no, despite the possibility of the world spinning off its axis completely because I didn't pierce and tat myself up merely to "get attention," I DIDN'T GET TATTOOS AND PIERCINGS FOR ATTENTION. If anything, these bring about unwanted attention, stupid questions (there is such a thing) and personal opinions I usually don't care to hear. Do you know the sorts of things I do for attention? I wear low-cut tops when I want to feel sexy, I curl my hair if I want people to notice how long it is, I wear high heels because I love the attention I get from being tall. But jabbing a few holes in my face? No, that's not because I want to hear some inane response about how much prettier I'd be without them.
9. If God wanted me to have these holes in my body, he would have put them there.
- You know, I can't really comment on that. I'd like to think God has better things to worry about than what holes he put in my body or which ones I'm adding. Maybe if God didn't want us to have extra holes in our body he shouldn't have "let" us invent piercing supplies. MAYBE if God wanted you to have blonde hair he would have given it to you. I think this comment is so funny because most of the people who say this to me fit one of two categories: straight-laced, school-marm types that wear pearls in their earlobes (because what, it's OK to jab holes in your earlobes but not your face?) or old men with some half-naked woman inked on them somewhere. Sure, God didn't want me to have my septum pierced but he wanted you to get a half-naked mermaid on your bicep. OK.
10. I'm a mom, don't I want to set a good example for my children?
- This one hits a very, very sore spot for me. Yes, I am a mom, and I DO want to set a good example for my children. And how dare you insinuate that my being pierced or tattooed sets a POOR one. With the help and support of my husband, we've accomplished a lot. I pay my taxes. I read to my kids at night. I coach sports. I pay for my children to take dance, ice skating and swim lessons. If my little girl wants to be an apple-pie, American cheerleader, then she can. I own a home. I own a car. I have a CAREER. I snuggle with my kids. I tell my daughter she's beautiful. I tell my friends they're beautiful. I run 5Ks. I take lots of photos. I plan birthdays and parties. I throw gender reveal parties for my pregnant friends. I'm a GOOD friend. I'm a beautiful, educated woman. I go on family vacations. I can throw darts. I'm a member of my daughter's preschool parents club. I plan trips with friends. I bake vegan cupcakes. I cook a mean lentil loaf. Stop me when you find something that is hindered by my having a tattoo or a piercing. Stop me when you find something that ISN'T setting a good example for my children. You see, I don't take too kindly to people trying to make me feel like I'm not a good enough mom because I have a few extra hoops in my nose or because I've got tattoos covering my left shoulder. I'm a DAMN good example for my children because I'm being ME. Because for once in my life, I'm proud of where I am, of what I can provide and of WHO I am. So no, I don't want to "set a good example for my children," I AM A GOOD EXAMPLE FOR MY CHILDREN.