11.15.2012

Five things you never, ever say to a pregnant woman

With five magical weeks left until this little boy makes his appearance (hopefully, this mama would really like a baby for Christmas), the pregnancy hormones or maybe just the regular Chubby Vegan Mom hormones are in full gear now.

That and it's basically obvious to the entire world that I'm pregnant. There's no more wondering whether I'm just fat or hosting a little parasite in my body, everyone I come into contact realizes I'm about to bring a kid into this world.

Now, I'm not sure if it's just me reading into things too much, but it seems like once this time comes in pregnancy, once the general populous can conclude easily that I'm with child, it's exactly at this time that the absurd comments and questions start coming in. Most of them very open, proud and downright slap-worthy.

So in the event you're about to cross paths with a very pregnant me, or any woman for that matter, let me give you a few tips on how you can avoid getting your head bitten off by keeping your mouth shut.

No. 1: "Wow, you look like you're ready to pop!" Seriously, it doesn't matter if I'm as big as a cow, overdue by 90 days and carrying 14 babies in my uterus, there is never, ever an appropriate time to tell a woman she looks like she's about to pop. Do you know what that translates to in girl language? "Wow, you're freaking gigantic, is that really the baby or have you just been eating too many donuts?"

Not to mention you can rarely tell when a woman is about to pop. And heaven forbid you say something like this to a woman who still has a month or more to go, because NO WOMAN wants to be reminded first, that she is in fact swollen and huge, and second, that she still has more than a month to go. Just safe face by saying "You look great, how much time do you have to go?" Even if you both know it's a complete and utter lie, at least for one second she'll think you meant it.

No. 2: "Wow, you look so tiny, are you sure you're due in XX weeks?" I realize that based on number one, this might seem like a safe bet. Not only are you not insinuating that the pregnant woman is as big as a house, you're even asking her how long she has left. Here's the thing though. When it comes to weight, you usually can't make a pregnant woman happy.

There are those on the thicker side who are envious of all those tiny pregnant ladies, the ones who wear their pre-baby jeans home from the hospital, meanwhile, there are those tiny pregnant women who want nothing more than to be as big as a house so that the whole wide world can tell they're pregnant BEFORE they're actually popping. To be on the safe side, just tell the mom-to-be what a cute bump she has and ask her how close she is to the big day!

No. 3: I think this probably goes without saying, but if you even think of uttering the words "Oh, you're pregnant? You really shouldn't have that coffee/chocolate bar/sushi roll/McDonald's Cheeseburger/tofu" just be prepared to get punched. Really, really hard. Most of us pregnant women have doctors. And most of our doctors are doing a great job of telling us what we should and shouldn't be having. So unless you're about to tell me the veggie hot dog I'm about to devour is laced with hemlock, do yourself a big favor and just shut your mouth.

Being pregnant is hard enough. We spend half the day thinking about all the terrible things we've probably done to the fetus this far (Why did I have that margarita the day after he was conceived, did I really need to eat that entire box of Oreos?), we don't need you to do it too.

No. 4:  Oh you're having a baby? My mom's, sister's, best friend's, dog walker's, aunt's, great cousin's, niece-twice-removed actually lost her entire vagina during the procedure (or insert your favorite incredibly unrealistic medical meltdown in here). I don't know what it is, but when people find out you're pregnant it seems like they want to scare the hell out of you.

Do you know what hasn't happened to me when I tell people I plan on birthing in a natural center? Not one person has ever said "Oh, childbirth wasn't that bad, it hurt a little, but it's worth it in the end. I'm sure you'll do great!"

Do you know what has happened to me on numerous, numerous occasions (even after already birthing one child and being pregnant with my second? "OH MY GOD you're going to die! You know women die in childbirth right? It's supposed to be the most painful thing on Earth. Your poor vagina. Do you think you'll be able to do it? I know five women who have split their pelvic bones and lost all their stomach muscles from giving birth."

Seriously, QUIT scaring the pregnant lady, we're already scared enough. Once you become pregnant you realize how much has to go right in order for you to bring this lovely little being into the world. We're scared nearly every day that something is going to go awry, so don't remind us that in the 18 hours of labor prior to meeting our bundle of joy something terrible could happen too.

Just DON'T.

No. 5: And lastly, the absolute, guaranteed-to-have-your-face-ripped-off inducing statement you could ever make to a pregnant woman would have to be "You haven't had that baby yet?" (Especially if said pregnant woman is even one minute past her due date). Trust me, all of us pregnant women know that D-day is just an estimation, it's not a deadline or eviction date for the baby. But that doesn't stop us from hoping. It doesn't stop our stretched out uterus and baby-addled brain from hoping, praying and nearly convincing ourselves that our little bundle of joy is going to come into the world on that exact day.

So when we end up being a little overdue and you think you're being cute or supportive by asking us if we've had that baby yet, don't be surprised if we reply with a snarky "yes, I did and I'm miraculously nine months pregnant ALL over again" or "yes I did, just carrying around some extra baby weight!"

Seriously, if a pregnant woman is even 10 second overdue, just don't say anything. Just bring her a cupcake and tell her she's pretty.

4 comments:

  1. Totally love this list! I am due to have second baby any day and can relate to all of these :)

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  2. I still have 12 weeks to go, but I've already heard all of these except no. 5. The other things that bug me are when people say "you look healthy" with their voice full of surprise (because of course pregnancy is universally a horrible affliction that robs women of their health), and when people rush to "help" me if I lift anything heavier than a pencil.

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  3. I had my last 3 at home. I did not die. Annnnd with the last I didn't realize I was in labor and it NEVER Hurt! So it is possible to give birth with little pain. I think it has to do with your mindset. Birth is painful if you let it be. :)

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  4. Don't forget this one: "Well, you're starting to look a little bit pregnant now... '
    I may not be skinny, but I am pretty sure if my baby is able to punch my ribs, I am past starting to look a little pregnant. My belly was definitely NOT anywhere close to this size 23 weeks ago!

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