Our happy little threesome is going to become a foursome ... in a little over five months.
That's right! I haven't been neglecting my blog, flaky and ignoring all of you because I got too cool, I did it because I've either been throwing up, sleeping or sitting in the dark because of a fabulous migraine. (Did you know you could get those because of pregnancy? Another one of those side effects from the hormones.)
I've been pregnant. A little over 15 weeks pregnant to be exact. It's not just chub anymore folks, it's actually a hard, baby-housing stomach now. And we couldn't be more excited or frightened to death, all at once!
It's been a really, really scary road. To be honest, I debated on not posting about the pregnancy until I had my healthy, wailing little baby in my arms. (Wouldn't that have been a fun surprise blog, "Here's my recipe for blah blah cookie, oh and P.S. I had a baby)!
Perhaps I should paint a lovely picture for you all. My first pregnancy with my daughter Pearyn was an absolute dream. I didn't begin to show until a little over 20 weeks (see below), I might have gotten sick MAYBE two or three times, I only gained 17 lbs (almost nine of that was baby), I craved pancakes and slushies and I didn't get all sorts of swollen in the wrong places.
Around what I thought was seven weeks, I started spotting, it was really light, but it was definitely there. And it didn't matter how many times I Googled "seven weeks pregnant and spotting," I got the same answers: it could be nothing, it could be something, it could be miscarriage, it could be four trillion other things or it could just be light spotting from somewhere the doctors can't figure out. And then there was the cramping. The cramping that could mean growing pains, just normal pregnant uterus stuff, or the cramping that could mean trouble was ahead, miscarriage was ahead.
Five days later, it returned, only this time it was less spotty and more, could that be blood? We went in for another ultrasound, but this time, there was definitely a baby and definitely a heartbeat. And my uterus was most definitely tilted. Like as far back as that organ could possibly be. This makes things like internal ultrasounds and pelvic exams really fun. I was told roughly the same thing, except this time I was told that 30% of women have spotting during their pregnancy and that from now on, unless I saw gushing, bright-red blood, I should assume this to be a normal part of this pregnancy.
Where was the spotting coming from, you might ask? We still don't know. Nothing looked abnormal about my uterus or the tiny baby, so the doctor chalked it up to an overly sensitive cervix or just another mysterious pregnancy wonder.
There were a few more incidents of the spotting, usually when I started to do too much. After nearly a week of spot-free fun, I thought I had cleared that mountain. And then I attended a rehearsal dinner, wedding ceremony and reception and it decided to make a seriously valiant comeback for the next two days. It didn't matter how much the doctor reassured me, anytime I saw the spotting I wanted to run bawling to the hospital. It made me a headcase, made me worry about everything and made me take a lot of things out on my husband and family.
The worst part? It was still so early in the pregnancy that we had decided not to tell most of our friends, which meant they had no idea why I was crying, why I was worried, why I was moody, stressed, why I had to ruin their day. In the event of tragic news, we weren't going to publicize a loss to everyone. It became a very private issue and in turn, a very, very private pain.
When we went for what was supposed to be our "first" pregnancy appointment, I was a little over 10 weeks pregnant. We did the routine stuff, talked about how I was feeling, how the spotting had been going and all the beginning exams and tests to make sure I had a vagina (ha, kidding, just a good-ole-fashioned pap smear). Then the midwife pulled out her doppler to try and find a heartbeat, there was a 50/50 shot that we'd be able to hear it that soon and at that appointment, we did not.
She wasn't worried, she did an internal exam and concluded that my uterus felt just puffy enough to be 10 weeks pregnant and that again, it was really, really tilted. Maybe I should just send a memo out to everyone in my life that I have a retroverted uterus, that way when it comes time to examine it we won't all be surprised by how damn tilted it is.
For peace of mind, she ordered another ultrasound for the following day. Maybe she was a mind reader, or maybe she took my asking "are you sure it's OK" about 1,569 times as a sign of me worrying. The next day, we saw our baby again. Our live, heart beat having, squirming baby. Apparently, my cervix and uterus just want all the attention.
So here we are now, 15 weeks into this fun Chubby Vegan Pregnancy sequel, and while I feel slightly better each day (because of my growing abdominal region, the sickness and the headaches), I'm not going to feel right until this baby is here, in my arms and keeping me up all night.
There has been so much I've wanted to share with you all, from the worries and troubles, to all the new and exciting things coming for us, but it just wasn't the right time.
So I hope you enjoyed the silence, because I have a feeling there's not going to be much I have to be silent about from now on.
I hope you'll continue to join me on this journey as I become not just the Chubby Vegan Mom to Pearyn, but to another itty bitty baby as well.
P.S. My love, thoughts, prayers and condolences go out to any and everyone that has suffered a loss during pregnancy. My early pregnancy issues opened my eyes to how helpless, lost and vulnerable you all must have felt and I cannot even begin to imagine how you were able to handle, cope and pull through. You are all strong, amazing women in my book.